Why did I have to suffer?

My name is Amelia Lorelei Siple. I have believed in God my whole life. I was raised in a church, and taught all of the ways i could be a good little christian girl. I grew up watching the same people who taught me about God, living very ungodly lives, living in sin, and not really caring to know the difference.
Then one day I got hit really hard with the proverbial rod. I made quite a few big mistakes, nearly died, almost lost my family, my faith, and my life all in one day, over one (or a series of several) big stupid decision! That was the day I got on my knees. I was one step closer to being the woman God had in mind when he put me in my mothers womb.

Now, I have been there, wondering if God even existed, Not caring if he did, thinking if he cared about me, why would my life suck so badly?! Why would I have had to endure abuse, hate, bullying, mental break downs, infertility, no friends, stuck in a place that i hated? Why did I have to spend most of my life caring for children that were not mine? Why is there so much hurt, pain, and suffering in the world. I sound like a whiny little child don’t I? Well that is the last thing I thought at the time, I thought I was justified in my hatred/disbelief.
So there is the big question… why DID I have to suffer?

I look back far enough, and I see myself as a child, so innocent, naive, and fresh in the spirit. My heart was filled with love, but my home life was not. My mother always loved me, but was hardly around as she had to bring home money. My father was abusive and a drunk. Satan was in his heart and it was  to his own detriment. I suffered because of HIS sin, because of his choices. Sadly, as many children, I didn’t have a way out. Then (and im not sure when it happened exactly) I had faith. I had faith in God, in prayer, and in Jesus Christ! To this day, I have but 3 select memories of those times. The abuse.  I am filled with memories of the good, of spending time at my gramma amma’s house on the weekends, camping with my gramma, playing with my church friends, and I remember the feeling of love that surrounded me even when I was scared.

God gave me a peace as a child, he opened up my heart and gave me all he had. There were times where he directed me from danger and kept me safe from my father, there were times he saved my life through my mother and others who were close to me.

Then, somewhere along the way, despite youth group, and my faith, despite all my answered prayers, I lost that faith. With my faith, I lost my sanity. I began drinking, I began having flashbacks and nightmares. I allowed my soul, and my body to be used and defiled repeatedly. I had no shame, no care, no priorities, and no heart. I was angry at my father. Angry at my mother. Angry at God.

I got married in the midst of all of this mess. The poor soul who had to deal with all of that! I was a horrible wife, so only God knows why he stuck around. After about 4 or 5 months after we were married, a doctor told me I could not bear children. Caught up in my own devastation, I soon became an adulteress. It was no big deal to me at the time, because my mind, and my soul, were gone. One night, after a bit too much to drink, I did things I am not proud of, and proceeded to attempt suicide. I ended up in a mental institution for about a week, and when I got a phone call from my dear husband telling me that he never wanted to see or talk to me again, the barriers I had put up broke down. God spoke to my heart and I reverberated with the pain and regret of all I had done. My world was shattered, long ago, and I did everything after that to myself. Out of anger, out of pain, out of desperation, it all became destruction.

I told God I have nothing and have done nothing to deserve his great love, mercy, and forgiveness, but when I asked, he gave it to me anyways. That was the beginning of my journey back. A few weeks later, My husband decided to try to forgive me. With Gods grace, he has. We have come a long way, there have been many heart aches, and problems in between.

Sometime in June, a year or so after all of the hurt and pain was quelled, and my love and I were getting back to normal, I received the shock of my life! I was carrying a baby! God had answered my fervent prayer and gave me a gift that I only dreamed of until that point. That is why I was not prepared for what was to come.

That pregnancy was the worst thing I could even express. I have many friends and family who didn’t understand what I went through, and still don’t to this day. I suffered with hyperemesis gravadarum. HG is a rare form of morning sickness. I found myself over the toilet more often than not, and would vomit until i would see blood in my bile, simply from drinking a sip of water. It was like this on and off for about 9 months. During this time, I struggled again with thoughts of suicide and depression, which is common for those who suffer from HG. The hardest part, was that no one believed me. I was told a whole spectrum of things such as “Suck it up, all women get sick when they are pregnant.”, getting called a hypochondriac, and “You are being selfish! You could kill your baby by not eating!!!”

It was a little extreme…

Here is the thing, in the end of it all, I was expected to have preclampsia and a 4-5 lb baby. I was in the hospital quite a bit, and admitted once for severe malnutrition and dehydration. By the Grace of God, I birthed naturally, a 9 lb 1 oz beautiful baby boy named Isaac. Meaning, laughter, but also, child of promise. God had given me my hearts desire, and then some. The boy is true to his name, now at 18 months old, I have never heard or seen a child with such joy in his heart. He laughs all day long.

With the birth of this new baby, I began to examine things I never have before. I became a better wife, and mother every day, all by the grace of God. I cannot, and will not take credit, because if i had done things my way, I would be dead, not here to share my story in a blog.

I continued to suffer from several chronic disorders due to the drinking I had done in my past among other things, then God showed me the path to real healing and I have been much healthier and happier!

That about brings us up to speed. I am an all natural, gardening, baking, praise singing, multitasking, devoted wife and mommy, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So why did I have to suffer? I would never be who I am today, to share experiences, strength, hope, and my testimony with anyone who could listen. I wouldn’t be as close in my personal relationship with God, and I would look back on life with no sense of thanks. I see where God had pulled me out. It all came together so clearly when I opened my heart to him. I wouldn’t be me, if I hadn’t gone through what I did. I have also learned to praise God through any circumstance. It could always be worse. Not to mention, most of it really was self inflicted. Now, I look back and I see the times God intervened, even when I ignored it. he saved my life, and my soul. Now I’m here, because it is my MISSION to give him back the life he saved, and to lead as many of the lost as I can to his peace and grace!!! Trust me, it is not something you want to live without.

Luke 15:4-7

Parable of the Lost Sheep

4 “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? 5 And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. 6 When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!

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2 thoughts on “Why did I have to suffer?

  1. Amelia, your story is touching. And very true. God is constantly with us, knowing even our most private concerns, and our deapest motivations. When we say that God couldn’t exist because of all the suffering we see in the word, it’s not His existance we’re calling into question, but His motivation. And that is beyond the understanding and knowledge of mortals. I pray you grow in love for God, and also in knowledge. Stay strong!

    • Thank you very much!!!! Im hoping that this blog will allow me to not only deepen my faith, but help me help others learn from my experiences and appreciate the love and life God has blessed them with! Thanks again for your comment, and God bless you ❤

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